Finding your people

On friendship

Oct 11, 2024

“I love how your mind works,” a friend recently told me. I think it may be one of the greatest compliments to receive. Having someone see the ways in which your brain works and enjoy it.

Friendships are special. You choose each other purely based on the human beings you are and how much you enjoy each other’s company. It’s not out of obligation. Not transactional. There are no expectations or great demands other than shared laughter, trust, and support.

It’s just someone who brightens your day by being in it. Someone you feel completely safe to be your specific self with. Who understands you. And who occasionally will show up at your door bearing cake.

I believe it’s a universal worry: never finding those people. Your people.

Because as much as it might seem like “everyone” has tight friendships and big groups to hang out with, tons of us are feeling lonely, craving deeper connections.

On some human level we are all deeply the same. We share a lot of core feelings and experiences. And even if something isn’t average, there will, at all times, be people who can relate to you. But there are definitely some who can do it in ways others can’t. Some who will not only see you for who you are, but also love you for it.

Because we are different. Some notice things others walk right by. Some are able to grasp complex concepts others can’t or won’t even bother to try. Some are rocks and some are paper. We are not going to fit everyone.

So who are we going to fit? And how do we find them?

I want to point out that I am no expert on this topic. I can be shy. I’m not always that good at meeting new people, reaching out, or asking the right nor deep enough questions. I have several really great friends, but still feel like I’m missing some of my people. I haven’t found all of them yet.

But during the past year I challenged myself to connect with more people outside of my comfort zone. Here’s what I learned:

First of all, how do you even know who your people are?

Short answer: you don’t.

Yes, I find that just as annoying as you. I would love a very concrete checklist: brown hair, smells of jasmine, hangs out at the coffee shop by the park at noon every Wednesday.

But the truth is that it’s much more intuitive and intangible than that. It’s someone you can be stupid with. Someone who knows what you mean even when you can’t properly explain. Who you feel comfortable running errands or doing chores with; when there are no big plans, just quiet everyday.

A lot of it frustratingly comes down to “when you know you know”. Just as in dating, you can’t plan for the click to happen, no matter how good it looks on paper.

But there are some concrete things you can do to get closer to knowing.

Share your random, curious thoughts

That is one thing I have gotten better at: sharing my random, curious thoughts. Also being more vulnerable and honest in general, trusting that people will catch me. And if they don’t, knowing they’re not the right ones for me.

It’s like Henrik talks about in Looking for Alice: speedrunning relationships by jumping directly to the strange parts:

“If you talk about anything that pops into your mind, you can tell if you're supposed to be with the person by judging their reaction.”

I find that sharing these thoughts occasionally leads to interesting conversations. It also makes people more comfortable and playful in general—more willing to show their weird. For someone to let their guard down, you have to lower yours too.

The other day in the car, I saw a horse trailer and blurted out: “Isn’t it weird that we drive around with horses? There’s a horse just standing back there right now, on its way somewhere.”

At a party I said I love keeping an eye on my neighbours and don’t care if it’s a little creepy.

How I wonder if there is a tiny place on earth only I have stepped on. And if I share the spot with a few others—who are they?

Some weeks ago I was sitting at the kitchen table chatting with a friend, when a song came on that reminded us both of the flashmob-dance to Glow by Madcon. She remembered performing it with our middle school class once. I couldn’t remember. Which ultimately got us talking about how fascinating it is that there are so many moments of our lives we have forgotten about, but how they are never completely gone when they live on in other people’s minds.

My favourite type of conversations are those that stumble into that orb. When a question or statement sparks something in the other, and you end up in a surprisingly new and interesting spot.

Use humour as a litmus test

I have previously written about humour being a great indicator of connection. I stand by it being one of the easiest slash best ways to test whether or not you will get along with someone, as it is so revealing.

Humour says something about intelligence, creativity, outlook on life, beliefs, empathy, self-awareness, and self-esteem. If you have the same type of humour as someone, you most likely view the world through similar glasses too.

It’s a great way to get a clearer understanding of what type of person you are talking to. It also takes you straight to: “can I be relaxed and silly with you” — which is exactly what we are looking for.

Who do you gravitate towards?

When bringing up the topic of ‘finding your people’ with a friend recently, he said: you have to think your friends are the coolest/most respectable/awesome people in the room.

So in a room full of people, who do you want to hang out with?

Maybe it’s the ones in the back corner talking about the increasing marginal cost of carbon capture. Perhaps the group by the snack bar discussing some niche indie rock band. Or the person leaning against the wall by the entrance, observing.

Building on that: and who wants to hang out with you? What kind of people do you attract? Who starts following your blog? Who reaches out through DM? Who says hi at an event and wants to keep the conversation going?

On some level it says something about you that these exact people find you interesting. That they want your company or see parts of themselves in you. What—if anything—do they all have in common? What traits seem to complement yours?

Try going for the opposite

I think having at least one person who’s very similar to you is important. There is a lot of comfort in resonance and shared experiences. It shows you that it’s okay to be exactly the way you are.

Yet I don’t necessarily think good matches strictly revolve around similarities. Someone doesn't have to be on the same path or have all the same interests or opinions as you. Differences make things interesting. They help you grow.

So try talking to a person you think you have little in common with.

Of course, look for someone decent. But perhaps you hate football, and they are wearing a jersey. Or you’re not a fan of heavy metal. Or… musicals. But disregarding that, maybe you’ll notice they have quite interesting thoughts. That they make you laugh. That they bring out a side of you that you rarely get to show.

I think a lot of us have some sort of unconscious check list of how we want our friends to be. But just as in romantic relationships: what we think we want isn’t necessarily what we need. Or what would make us feel most alive. What we think we want might actually end up boring us.

Someone can check off a lot of similarity-boxes: “We both play badminton, work in advertisement, own the same handbag, and think Brooklyn 99 is the best show ever. Plus, they want to learn how to make homemade pasta, just like me! We’ll probably get along so well.” But none of those things prove you will feel a true connection.

Of course, having things in common can be an excellent indicator for friendship. But you don’t really need a lot of shared external similarities. What you do need is internal ones. To be similar at a core level. Meaning values, trust, kindness, how you treat strangers, what you think is appropriate in a situation.

I believe that’s what separates a good vs bad difference. Because we can’t sidestep the fact that differences can be extremely frustrating too. If someone can’t see what you see. If they are too stubborn in their own ways, or you have completely different opinions on what an ideal Saturday night should look like. If it feels like you speak different languages sometimes.

Differences can make or break any type of relationship. So it comes down to the core; how they make you feel.

If you have different opinions, do they still understand and respect yours? Even if their hobby doesn’t interest you, would you still have fun joining simply because you enjoy their company? Does it feel airy and full of possibilities, or tight and draining? Do their ways of being bring out good qualities in you?

My childhood best friend brings out the playful, daring side in me. We went to a wedding in Vienna a couple weekends ago, and as we were getting some air, we heard loud music coming from another wedding 100 metres away. Would be exciting to crash it, right? So we did. And I don’t know who else I would have pulled that off with.

I have known her for as long as I can remember. We were neighbours growing up and would run across the street to each other on a daily basis. But we are very different people. She's an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I think it’s delicious to drive with no music on in the car, and to her that’s the definition of hell. She lifts me up and I ground her; occasionally vice versa. Spending time together can feel like a reset to my brain.

“People understand who they are because it is in contrast and opposition of who I am.”

— Amie Mcnee wrote that on her page once and it stuck with me.

My closest friend group and I have often talked about how different we are regarding both career choices, hobbies, and personalities, but how we somehow click regardless.

Because as much as I love being with people who share my energy level and interests, I find it valuable to spend time with people who differ too. They give new inputs. Make me see other ways of living. Teach me things from various fields. Open my perspectives. Challenge me. And most importantly, they make me see myself more clearly. Not because I don’t value or respect or absolutely dig who they are and what they do. But because I notice how right what I’m doing is for me.

We can’t always see ourselves fully for who we are and what we bring to the table; we need people who point us out to ourselves.

Finding people who differ in good ways first and foremost means finding people who differ in general. It means being interested in getting to know those outside of your comfort zone. To be open to being surprised.

And at the end of the day, it’s a simple question: do you like who you are when you’re with them?

Don’t underestimate connections you’ve already made

Throughout the years my friends and I have also spent a significant amount of time apart. That’s the thing about good friendships: they can afford to move in big waves.

You can move to different cities. Be at completely different stages in life. Go from seeing each other every day to twice a year, but still have the best of times. There is room for it to ebb and flow without losing its main core.

It’s like that quote by Isabel Allende:

“True friendship withstands time, distance, and silence.”

That is also why I think it’s important not to read too much into it when a friendship is in an ebbing phase. Because even if you do find the right people, your lives or vibes won’t necessarily always match. Yes, sometimes an ebbing phase means the friendship has run its course. But putting pressure, expectations, or demands on it, can make it all more frustrating if you’re simply out of sync at the moment.

And that moment can last for a month or many years. Which is to say: don’t underestimate the connections you have already made at some point in life.

Maybe the girl you were best friends with in kindergarten whom you haven’t spoken to in 20 years but still occasionally likes your Instagram photos is actually your people. Maybe the boy you did gymnastics with at 10 years old is awesome.

Of course, people change and grow. But there is a reason you were friends at some point, and that essence might remain even if life took you down different roads. So if there is someone you’ve always thought highly of, even if you didn’t know them that well: reach out.

People might surprise you if given the chance. That means your existing friends too. If you want something deeper, try being more vulnerable or showing a new side of yourself to those who already know you.

So where do you actually find them—like physically?

Friends of friends is a great place to start. If you have found one friend you like (and they like you too) chances are you will like each other's friends as well. Then there are always activities, clubs, or sports to join. Hanging out at a certain place regularly is also a way to go.

Here are some sites:

Matchmaking (romantic or platonic) by Ava
Dinner with Strangers by Adele
Creative Lunch Club by Klaus
Gals Who Travel by Brontë

But as much as looking for friends in real life is great, you are limited to the people in your city. You are also limited by the fact that your people might not be ones who join activities, clubs, sports, or are regulars at a coffee shop. That is something I have thought about a lot: How am I supposed to find my people when my people are probably sitting at home minding their own business, just like me?

Which leads to my next point:

Actively use the internet

Last year I was feeling a bit lonely and in lack of connection. Having had pen pals growing up, I thought it would be fun to give it another shot, and get an email pen pal. After a couple of failed attempts, I stumbled upon a thread on Reddit. It was filled with people looking for the same thing, and endless introduction-posts to scroll through.

Instead of trying to find the needle in the haystack though, I decided to write my own post. That way I could describe myself and what I was looking for very precisely, which would hopefully scare off the wrong people. It also meant I could more efficiently filter out those I didn’t see fit.

And it worked! Two people appealed to me more than the others. One of them had a lot in common with me. Unfortunately we ended up not vibing, and she stopped responding after two emails. The other person didn’t have just as much in common with me, but there was a certain thoughtfulness and recognition that caught my attention. It has now been an 11 months long fun, deep, supportive, full-of-nonsense, loving conversation.

That’s the thing: we need both those who write&post and those who search&reply. But there is a greater number of people who do the latter than the former, so by putting yourself out there, your chances of a match are higher.

Here are some sites:

Slowly (penpal app)
Penpal thread on Reddit
Penpal.me (get physical letters)
Journal Girls Club by Bellaoggioni
MeetNewFriendsHere on Reddit
Bookclub on Reddit

Both tweeting and writing on Substack have led me to several interesting connections. Blogging is a great way for people to get a quick peek into who you are on a deeper level. And even though I believe writing is one of the best ways to do this, writing could of course be replaced with sharing videos, art, or anything else that showcases you in a way that feels authentic.

Doing it in English has also played a big part for me. It means I’m not limited to the 5.5 million people who speak my language; I get to cross oceans and borders. Because who knows—my people might just happen to live over 6000 kilometres away.

Online friendships

The reality of that is also that most of the people I follow—and who follow me—live far away. Online friendships can be quite fulfilling, but only to a certain degree. Lots of things can’t be conveyed, felt, or picked up on through text. We need physical friendships too. Someone who will bring us soup when we’re sick. Someone we can hug or go for a walk with.

Simultaneously I think there is something very special about online friendships. Since the “entire” world is on social media these days, we have easy access to an enormous amount of people. And out of all of them, we chose each other.

If you dive into niche networks and threads, you’re able to access people you wouldn’t necessarily have found otherwise. So answer random people’s tweets. Reach out to those you think seem cool. Send them a thoughtful DM. Yes, even if they have thousands of followers.

Sometimes online friendships lead to real life friendships. Sometimes one connection leads to the next. And the next. The world is enormous, but smaller than ever. Your people are out there, and they are looking for you too.

And since they are, you need to be yourself out loud. They can’t find you if you hide.

It might take time, and that’s okay

Even if you are actively looking and doing all the “right” things, you can’t expect to hit the jackpot straight away. Not hitting it off with someone doesn’t feel nice. Neither does rejection, ghosting, or unfollowing—on either end. But all of it just means that the wrong people are filtering you out, or you them. That’s a good thing.

A close friendship is essentially love without the romance part. And much like love, you will probably stumble upon it when you least expect it.

If you enjoyed this, I’d love to know! Your support not only helps other people find it, but also truly makes my day. Feel free to to leave a like or a comment, share or subscribe, or come say hi on Twitter or Instagram :) Also, if you get this by email, just hit reply.

A special thank you to those who contributed and helped me form this piece. You know who you are.

For further reading, here are some great essays by clever people: