The art of keeping in touch

Musings + postcards for sale

I love when someone admits they were randomly thinking of me. A text on a Wednesday morning: “You were on my mind, wish you a lovely day.” A holiday postcard: “Hello from Peru!” A phone call after work: “Can I stop by? I got you something on my way home.”

Do you want to know the number one insight from the 80-year-long Harvard study conducted on human happiness—what leads to health and fulfilment over a lifetime?

Close relationships and social connections.

Isn’t that wonderful? Hanging with your friends is literally a health investment.

The study also stated that “The participants who actively cultivated relationships over their lifetimes reaped rewards. But they didn’t just let things happen. They made plans with friends, reached out to people, and joined community and social groups. They intentionally nurtured their in-person social connections.”

In Finding your people, I wrote that good friendships can afford to move in big waves—to ebb and flow without losing their main core. But that’s not to say it takes zero effort.

Keeping in touch is an art.

As a kid, I used to nudge my friends on MSN and knock on their doors. We wrote our favourite colours and artists in those friendship books and did homework together after school. Hanging out was easy, as it naturally is when your days are spent at the same place and consist of the same things.

Ironically, it’s easier than ever to keep in touch now, given all of today’s technology. Yet it doesn’t change the fact that people have a lot going on, and it’s those we surround ourselves with on a day-to-day basis who naturally get most of the small talk and details.

That’s the case for me, at least. Besides enjoying alone time, I can be bad at giving updates to people I don’t see regularly.

It’s something I have been working on: sending a few surprise postcards in the mail, just because. Or bringing a friend along on video for an evening walk around the garden. Last year I even made compliment jars for a couple friends: funny, sweet paper messages for them to read whenever they needed a little pick-me-up. In it, I also included a few “Send me a song you’ve been listening to lately” and “Text me when you read this one” as a way to connect and make those random texts easy to send.

Because, as I’ve learned, the art of keeping in touch is not just touching base: birthday messages and scheduled hangouts when the whole group chat finally sets a date. It’s the laughy voice message saying you knocked over some cartons at the grocery store and made a mess; the personalised links with sunglasses they think you’d look great in; the niche videos and feel-good book recs.

It’s about the fact that you cross their mind when you’re not with them. That there are things in the world that remind them of you.

We will never know how often people actually think about us. How often they smile at a fond memory, or wish to talk but don’t really know what to say. These moments before fascinate me—before someone reaches out. All the almosts. We swim around in people’s minds long before we know of it.

If we ever know of it.

Because it’s so easy not to do—not pick up the phone or make those plans. Then time passes, and you reach a point where it doesn’t feel as natural anymore. People gradually fade from our attention when they no longer share our space or feel relevant to our lives: old classmates, coworkers, neighbours.

Which makes me wonder how many people remember me, but have forgotten. Who hears my name mentioned and goes “Who’s that again?”—then pulls up Facebook, followed by a “Ohhh yeah, right, I haven’t thought about her in ages.”

Keeping in touch is about not letting someone slip too far away; staying close enough that making contact doesn’t require some big movement. Or reminder.

The focus on independence, as well as the ingrained mindset of “don’t burden others”, also has me wondering if we are missing out on a lot of mundane contact points.

There was a post going around a while back: a woman saying that, as an adult, she would never ask her friends to help her move or pick her up at the airport. She wouldn’t inconvenience them like that when she could save everyone the trouble by paying for help.

I think that when a majority of life is the ordinary and inconvenient, we would gain a lot more by meeting each other there.

“I’m walking the dog in 30 minutes, care to join?” “I have to clean out my closet—we could do a fashion-show-try-on; help me decide what to keep and throw?” “Wanna grab coffee and run errands?”

To my relief, a big chunk of the comments passionately stated that they would not only help carry their friend’s big sofa up a winding stairway and drive them both to and from the airport, but also accompany them to the dentist if they needed. Or make food when they’re sick because what an honour it is to be there for each other. What an honour it is to be trusted and wanted and able to help.

Hyper-independence isn’t a flex, and according to said research, it’s not what leads to a happy, healthy life.

We need each other.

Speaking of keeping in touch, here's a little advertisement for my own product (what a sneaky, smooth transition, huh?)

I have gotten a few requests from people wanting to buy prints of my words, which is extremely flattering!!! For those of you not aware, I have an Instagram where I post handwritten excerpts from my essays, and it has become such a lovely space with even lovelier people.

I landed on doing postcards because it bridges much of what I am speaking of. I also really like the idea of someone keeping it above their desk or putting it in a small frame on their bedside table for however long they want, then eventually mailing it to a friend with their own personal message added to it. It’s so fun and special to get snail mail, especially in this digital age.

There are four different themed bundles to choose between, with three cards in each:

• Thinking of You

• Remember When

• Same Time Tomorrow

• Friends Forever

I also offer a customised handwritten option. If there is a specific quote or short text of mine you’d like, I can write it with a marker on a blank postcard. All the details can be found in the product descriptions in the shop.

I’m really excited about this, and find it so insanely cool that my words will be scattered around the world with you. Thank you! Now go write postcards to your friends!!!

If you enjoyed this, I’d love to know! Your support not only helps other people find it, but also truly makes my day. Feel free to leave a like or a comment, or come say hi on Instagram where I post handwritten videos :) Also, if you get this by email, just hit reply.

I’ve Been Thinking is free to read, but if you want to leave a contribution, I have a tip jar.